I traveled through time today

It has been almost a year since I sat to write a blog post, but today certainly earned my time and attention.

This morning I went through my normal routine just like every other morning. Drove to Harrison, NJ and got on the PATH train that takes me into World Trade Center. I left Linda behind not feeling well and Nicky was particularly clingy and didn't want me to go. But such is the routine and I went on my way. Shortly before arriving at the first stop, Journal Square in Jersey City, the train stopped. Normal train traffic I figured. This happens. We slowly pulled into the station. The announcement comes over the speaker that the train is out of service and we all had to disembark. I was standing on the platform, annoyed. I didn't have time for some stupid issue making me late.

Then I got a notification from work. 
"WTC is evacuating people from the Oculus apparently due to FDNY activity."
Then an automated text
"This time there are reports of smoke condition on the C3 level track 4 and 5 of the NJ Path. PAPD is evacuating the Oculus"

In an instant, it was 16 Septembers ago. I was standing in the same spot of the same platform of the same station and hearing the same message. Without hesitation, the thought flashed "It's happening again. "

I'm happy to report that it was nothing. There was a small, accidental electrical fire that was handled swiftly and the station and area were reopened with minimal delay, but not before I altered my commute. I took an uptown PATH train and walked several blocks once in Manhattan to a NYC subway train that took me back downtown to my office. It was, unsurprisingly, the same route I took on 9/11. Everything about this morning's journey was eerily reminiscent. Thankfully, the outcomes couldn't have been more disparate. 

But in the interim, the outcome didn't matter much. I stood on the platform of Journal Square feeling like I was 22 again. The montage of 2001 ran through my head at rapid speed. And then I had a physical reaction. I was overwhelmed with fear. I got weak, woozy, and shaky. I became emotional. The only difference between that moment and the one so many years ago was that the first time was marked with more confusion than fear (as the attacks were just underway) and today I was able to look backward and know what to be scared of.

When Olapic told me they were moving from 25th street to the financial district, I openly warned them I hadn't been here since shortly after 9/11 and I didn't know if I was up for the challenge. Linda and I visited the area. The destruction was gone and replaced with new buildings and the old hustle and bustle had returned. I was ready. I had left the past in the past. 

Today I was sharply reminded as I fearfully shook, that the past is with me in the present. There is no question that my experience today was very much symptoms of the PTSD I was diagnosed with so many years ago. Each year, the anxiety caused by the media coverage of the 9/11 memorial affects me less. As I stood on that same train platform today I knew that this will never leave me.