Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Limbo


I would not wish the last 2 weeks of my life on anyone. I have literally felt like I don't really exist in either world. I'm not really here because my house is upside down, I'm not doing real work, I'm not stocking the fridge and I'm not investing more in this life as I prepare to depart. However, I'm not home, have no job, haven't gotten settled, don't know my new immediate area at all and can't figure it out yet.

I'm leaving all I've known for a decade and going to back to all I knew before that, but haven't lived in many years. I feel like a resident of nowhere. Everything is on pause. All the good that's about to come is theoretical and not for sure until I get there. Limbo is a brutal assault on your nerves and emotions.

You know, logically, that in the end it'll all be ok. Your long term is fine. But you can't get to long term without first going through the short term. And you can't get to the short term to make sense of it just yet. Why? No reason. Do I have things to finish here? Nope. I'm not a productive functioning member at my current job because they have already transitioned me out so make room for replacements or, simply, to get used to life without me. I've been in this particular position for almost 4 years. When anybody leaves, they have to readjust. So, I've basically already been out for a while. So why am I here? It's for no reason other than the fact that the countdown hasn't reached zero. With so much waiting to be done at home, burning daylight here is frustrating. There are big things like finding a job to small things like getting NJ license plates on my car. All of it is waiting to happen based on a somewhat arbitrary date.

The real problem is not the process, but conflict between what it requires and how I process tasks. Some people are planners, others go with the flow. I build a construct and framework for myself. It's an overarching view of all things to get down with lots of little subtasks. It's very binary and logical. IF-THEN-ELSE for the programmers reading. If this happens, do this, otherwise do the third. There are lots of contingencies and alternate routes, but I can't just throw the chips in the air and let them fall however they may.

So until I get home nothing begins. While I'm here everything has basically ended. I can take good or bad, but limbo makes me bananas. For the next 11 days, limbo is all I have. Well... limbo and alcohol.

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