Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Almost off the wagon


This is going to sound ridiculous to many of you as my addiction is not something that is real. I feel like Dave Chappelle in Half-Baked when he goes to A.A. or whatever it was and admits that he's addicted to weed and everyone screams and yells and then Bob Saget stands up and says, "Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck dick for Marijuana?" But addiction is addiction and we all have our things. Some of us more so than others. I have a very addictive personality.

It is hard to understand the mania of obsession that if 1 is good then FIFTY IS BETTER! It's why I'm very careful about how much money is nearby when I'm in a casino. It's why I stay out of certain stores. It's why I have to eat a certain amount of time before I go grocery shopping and keep a regimented list with me. I indulge. If I like something a lot, I over indulge.

Up until January of 2008, I was drinking about 80oz per day of Mt. Dew. So it's not a drug. Doesn't mean the draw was any less. Soda is terrible for you and Mt. Dew is worst of the sodas. I'd literally have 20oz put down before I arrived at work at 7:30am. Then another 20oz bottle between then and lunch. One after lunch and about 20oz worth from the 2 liter once I got home. Sometimes more. That was about the baseline. It got so bad that a DOCTOR actually RECOMMENDED I start drinking coffee. He said the amount of coffee I'd need to drink to get that level of caffeine would be far less than Mt. Dew, as well as the sugar, and it may even be healthier for me. Imagine that. You're so bad off that a doctor thinks coffee is healthier than what you're doing.

So I quit. That day. Right then and there. I also figured he was crazy and didn't need the coffee either. I went into legitimate detox. Of course not to the same level as I would have had I just quit heroin. This is all to scale. But I had a headache and a little bit of the shakes. I felt terrible. So I started drinking the coffee. I've loved coffee but it's not like the way Dew was for me.

I was getting my caffeine and assumed I was good. Do you know that I've thought about drinking Mt. Dew every day since I quit. I know at this point you think I'm a total lunatic and this entire post is ridiculous. I swear it's 100% true. My ex-wife would even tell me to have a glass. What's the big deal? At that point I had been quit for over a year. Just like a recovering addict, I'd say that then I could only say that it's been x amount of time since the last time I relapsed. I don't want to break my streak. She'd look at me like I was insane, I'd shake my head and say, "I know, I know" and that would be that.

It comes and goes in waves and I feel like the only way is to disregard the notion of quitting and go back full bore. That's not smart because my blood pressure will go up and my teeth will fall out of my head. The reason for this rant about all of it is because Ty is a Dew-aholic as well, although doesn't hold a candle to my worst days. Last weekend he left a can in my fridge. I know it's ice cold and delicious. I know he wouldn't care that I drank it (besides possession is 9/10 of the law).

I could drink it just to give myself that treat but then I'm off the wagon on my timer and I have no reason to NOT continue to drink it nonstop. So it's staring at me every time I enter the fridge, taunting me, urging me into submission. I'm getting dangerously close. I want it gone, but I don't. If he takes it then I lose because every day that goes by that I do NOT drink it is like a victory over it.

I find it amazing that something like that can wield such power. Thank God I never really did drugs because I can't imagine that would have worked out well for me. I'm going to go outside with my lemonade and smoke a cigarette to distract and calm myself before I bite through the side of that can. I gotta go.

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