Friday, June 10, 2011

We are gathered here today...

If I remember correctly, in about 4 hours I was supposed to get married. Today was the day. Friday, June 10, 2011. It would have been in planning longer than 18 months. We had a magnificent place in New Jersey called Macaluso's that was just beautiful. The food would have been amazing. Everything about this day would have been grandiose. I'd have enjoyed every minute of it. The truth of the matter is that, while I'd have loved it when it happened, we all know who these days are really for.

Before I go on, I know some of you are wondering how I could have been getting married if I was already married. Linda, sometimes referred to as "dummy" or "the leech," and I were married civilly and we were planning this gigantic wedding event in the church and celebration that followed.

One year ago today, she left for New Jersey for wedding planning. It was during this trip that she ordered, booked, bought, or scheduled thousands of dollars of stuff for our wedding in an all-expense paid shopping spree kind of way. I paid, my parents paid and she grabbed like a spoiled brat. I was here in Mississippi receiving phone calls with "I want" and "I need money" reminiscent of a toddler in Toys R Us. It was reported to me that she had near tantrums on more than one occasion.

This is a girl who comes from nothing and was handed everything. A princess wedding. A dream come true or as she put it "finally getting everything I stopped wanting because I never thought I'd get it." Fourteen days later she retuned and sixteen days after that she left. Imagine that. Those of you who know me well, know the story of how this all came to be. It's pure insanity.

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and meanwhile, look at what this last year has turned into. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen and be disappointed again. I'm furious at her for letting me believe she was one person and then showing herself to be another. I'm regretful at the mistakes I've made along the way with her, but I'm relieved because it all accelerated the process. More than anything I'm thankful that we didn't spend the equivalent of an S class Mercedes before she decided to flip out or, God forbid, have children together.

I can't say that even .0001% of me wants her back. Maybe .01% even wants to see her face again. I'm sorry for all the letdowns of my family. I'm sorry for the money lost in all this. I'm sorry I'm in Mississippi alone (I can't imagine reenlisting if I was solo at the time). I guess I miss the idea of what it all was supposed to be; the next chapter of my life and the most amazing celebration possible to mark the start of all of it. It's over and done with now. Service providers have our deposits, we all have disappointments and somehow in the blink of an eye I went from having a future beautiful bride to an ex-wife. It was awesome. We were so alike and so happy.

Now we're just two strangers connected only by the bill collectors that call for her.

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