Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Pain in My Ass

I have to say that I'm fortunate in that I pay very little attention to pop culture, especially in terms of romance. The only time I turn on network television with commercials is on Sunday evenings when I watch "Coming Home." Say what you will about the Lifetime network and me being less of a man for not blocking it in my home, but military reunions is my soft spot. That aside, I've been seeing ads for a movie called William & Kate, which I assumed was just the sappy side of Lifetime and totally fictional. About a week ago, I was told there was some major wedding happening across the pond.

Unfortunately, once my consciousness for this event was awakened, I saw stuff about it EVERYWHERE. From what I'm told, this is happening tonight or today or sometime in the next 24 hours. I'm also vaguely aware of the fact that he's a prince and she's a nobody. Is this news? Wasn't Princess Diana a commoner as well? I could be wrong, honestly.

So all the girls the world over are having their girly wedding moments as this gigantic occasion is kicking off. Even guys, and not just the questionable ones, are getting into this. Frankly, not only does this event not move me in an excited direction, but I'm actually waiting for it to be over. Wait... I do feel something... nope... it was just gas.

At last check, I did still live in America and we won the war and our independence from England. They are just 2 people. Ladies, you never had a shot with a prince so get over the heartbreak. This kid was born into the right family but hasn't accomplished much (yes, I've read up on him), although in 2005 he opened a shelter for homeless people. Yay Prince Bill!

I've seen people, Americans, setting alarm clocks to wake up and watch this. I've heard others try to convince the uninterested masses to pay attention. I've heard people say that we should all use this occasion to find happiness during times of despair. Tell that to the 50,000 tornado ravaged homes in the south without power who couldn't watch even if they wanted to. People find happiness every day, but because you can put a face to a famous name, the world is supposed to tune in? He's semi-important at the moment, she's a nobody. They're across an ocean and believe me... they couldn't give less of a shit about your wedding.

I was initially happy for this guy because he's in line for the throne. After his grandmother passes on, his dad will take over as King of people who eat a dessert called Spotted Dick. And when Charles, and his ears, finally relinquish the big red velvet chair, William takes center stage. So why was I happy he was getting married? Because hopefully that makes him happy and we need less cranky world leaders these days. Hopefully commoner Kate will do her princessly duties and keep Willy's willy in good spirits.

Then I thought further. World leader? He's a prince. Part of the monarchy, which does nothing more than wave their hands and cost their country shitloads on that really big house. They have no power, they don't really rule anymore. I think New Zealand should secede. Did you know that Queen Elizabeth II (the old lady, not the ship) is Queen of them too?

Here's what it all boils down to... a 29 year old kid who has accomplished almost nothing in life that is the heir to the heir of the Queen's throne, that has no real power or no real job decided to marry someone.

Yup, don't care and I'm not sure why anyone that eats fries, not chips, should either.

EDIT: I had totally forgotten to add in my real moral of the story. I spent so much time on the word play and making myself giggle by relating my emotions about the wedding to a fart that I missed out on the real message. As Americans, we are known for getting so wrapped up in silly pop culture and scandals. We always wanna know the details of the private life of people, that we ignore what really matters. Remember Anna Nicole Smith? We were so concerned with what killed her that we stayed glued to the TV pending results of an autopsy, how sick and demented is that. As it turns out, it was drugs. There's a surprise. They found everything in her system except Slim Fast.

Let's go back even more. Who remembers the big scandal that we couldn't get enough of on September 10, 2011? Anyone? It was Gary Condit, then Congressman, and his missing intern, Chandra Levy and whether or not they had an affair and he killed her. That was the big story, America. Our eye was not on the ball. The next day, we came under attack. Good use of our energy? I'd say it probably wasn't. Shortly after the attacks, rather than healing and repairing, some Americans decided to use their energy to claim that 9/11 was an inside job and a conspiracy created by our government. These conspiracy theories were propagated all over the news. Again... good use of our energies?

So, while we're watching the sensationalized wedding of foreigners, who our president has been striving to undercut our relationship with, and stuffing our faces full of comfort food; those who wish to do us harm have been planning (they never stopped in the first place). To make matters worse, they know we're not paying attention.

I honestly feel that we will never learn our lesson. America will always be selfish and live by the credo of "bigger, better, faster, more" while pretending we are interested in our health. We are the 300-pound person that orders a Big Mac and super size fries with a diet Coke to save on calories and still sues McDonald's when their cholesterol goes so high that they basically become a solid.

There's the moral of the story. It's not about fairy tale wedding of the prince and his bride, but our obsession with it all when there's so much here that needs work. By the way, did you know that William and Kate were, prior to marriage, related on BOTH his mother's side and her father's side and possibly through a third connection of ancestry? While distant, they are cousins in more than one branch of the family tree. Hopefully, they'll do the right thing and donate their child's extra, incestuous limbs to a commoner.

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