Sunday, September 05, 2010

September Blues

I've been so wrapped up with all the nonsensical stuff in my life lately that it only occurred to me at this very moment that it is the 5th of September. Now comes the sudden snap back to reality, complete with painful whiplash. My recent relationship split has taken precedence over everything in my life whether it has seemed it or not. Ok, let's look at that in detail. I'm not upset by it. It's for the best. I'm not missing it. I'm not regretful. But make no mistake, it is a big change. Day to day life requires an enormous adjustment, if nothing else.

Trying to find my "new normal" has been harder than anything else. When do you date? What is it like to shop and cook for one again? Menial tasks around the house that were split or assumed by one person or the other fall on my squarely on my shoulders alone. Long term plans that revolved around building a life now need to be rethought. Some of them are immediately outmoded. Others need to be put into play for myself. Back to the drawing board.

None of that is important though. Not one bit. The apartment will get cleaned. I will eat. The right person will be very clear to me at the right time. An idea for what is next in life and the outline or checklist to achieve it will be part of an epiphany one day. Erratic behavior of ups and downs is not helpful. I'm home watching TV. I'm out partying with friends. I'm angry at the process. I'm relieved at the process.

It is what it is. One person cannot possibly shoulder the burden alone, since two people were involved in the creation, sustainment and demise of this relationship. And no matter how hard you work at mitigating the risks and stressors, you always have an X factor - the actions, reactions, and interactions of and with the other person.

After an excellent few days with a variety of friends and activities, I found myself sitting on the couch rousing from a nap to the movie "Bride Wars" on HBO. Surely enough, it was the scene near the end that takes place in the Plaza Hotel. It has been many years since I was there. The last time I was in the Plaza was for a corporate Christmas party. That was Christmas of 2001. The odd coincidence is that I was finding myself again at that point after a shake-up in life.

From 1999 through 2001, as many of you know, I roamed the streets of Manhattan, mostly downtown, while working for the New York Stock Exchange. We spent many nights out in that town. The late 1990's were full of money and opportunity in information technology. It was when tech became cool. People weren't hiding from being tech geeks, we were all trying to be the biggest tech geek. There were more jobs than people and more money than most could spend. Night were filled with bouncing from happy hour with the traders and brokers to dinner at most of the top 10 steakhouses in the country to drinks in places tourists wait on line just to see inside of. Corporate royalty is how many in my industry were treated. 

Just like the questions I've been asking myself and adjustments I've been trying to make are not important; none of that was important either. In one day, everything changed. We learned the important lessons that day. If you know me, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, you should be able to put 2 and 2 together and manage to come up with 4.

Amidst all of these changes in my life I managed to forget what was important. I guess we all get wrapped up in the daily bullshit that life slings. Then we look at the calendar and realize that in less than a week we will see the ninth anniversary of a day that really mattered. Now I wish I could put my head in the sand and be caught up in the little unimportant shit and ignore the negative significance of what's coming, but I can't. Now I'm hit with the September Blues once again and there's nothing I can do about it but soldier on as best I can - in remembrance of those who did the same and always knew what was important.