Monday, August 04, 2008

Perspective

So Josh, Kristine and Aden are on their way to Germany as we speak. Their second flight from Charlotte to Germany should be taking off soon, if not already. After all the buildup and waiting, they are on the way now. In the early hours of today, Kris wrote a blog. Here is an excerpt:

Six months ago we got news that we'd finally be leaving Shaw. It came to a surprise seeing as I thought Josh cleared his dream sheet, as he was going to get out of the military. Instead he came home Feburary 29th and said "we got orders." I looked at him and said "OK" (very sarcasticly) and he followed with "WE are going to Germany." Josh thought it was a mistake but it wasnt. The E-mail read "Hi, I'd like to be the first to Welccome you to your new base...." Much disbelief for both of us.

So instead of calling quits we are heading to Germany. Six months might seem like a long time but it wasnt. I need more time, We told our families first, I didnt get the response I wanted from my mother, my dad understands though he is sad. Josh parents; you could hear the sadness in their voice but they were the most positive along w/my sister and some friends. I know for a fact the news hit Jason the hardest.

Jason, I'll start w/you. You have been w/us since we welcomed Aden to this world in September 2004. You mean the world to us. Josh and I are so greatful for your friendship, love, and the care and attention you have given Aden. You and I have had our ups and down's but what friendship doesnt. I love you like a brother. And, I cant begin to thank you enough for everything you have done. You let Aden slobber on you, bite you, vomit on you, damn near tear your nose off and everythingn else. You love that boy like your own and for that I am so very greatful. You have always been there for Josh, and I know he's needed a friend like you. So many parties so many memorable nights. It has been a wild ride these last 4 years w/you. You are MY Italian Stallion. We love you. I wish you the best in the years to come. You will not be forgotten.

I took the day off from work and drove up to the airport with them and Josh's parents. We unloaded the cars and walked them in. After getting them all checked in we walked up to security. We were all apprehensive and stalled for a moment before admitting it was just time. And with that we said our goodbyes. We hugged and kissed. We told each other "I love you," "I'll miss you," and "I'll talk to you soon." We thanked each other for always being there. We wiped away each other's tears. Then I watched them go through security and up the ramp away from me and toward a whole new adventure. I kissed my baby boy 100 times.

I stood there watching them head toward the gate until they faded into tiny specks, barely able to discern their shape and identify them amongst the other travelers.

Slowly I made my way to the car, drying my own eyes and sat for a moment before beginning my drive back home. It was an instant after they turned away from me that I begun to miss them. They were still on South Carolina soil; yet they felt like they had been gone forever already.

I sent away my family today. I lost a piece of myself with their departure. It's 4 years, but a lifetime still. Our day to day will never be the same. We'll talk and email and get on webcams to be in touch. We'll send Christmas cards and even do our best to take sporadic trips to visit each other, but I can't show up at their house anymore. I can't peek in with a 6-pack and suffer through Josh making me watch a NASCAR race. I can't tickle Aden until he squirms away just because I feel like it.

So I have the rest of the day to fill now and back to work tomorrow. That will be good as it will occupy most of my day. Of course, Josh is the first person I call as soon as anything happens to me down here, good or bad, and I can't do that anymore either. This coming weekend will be when it hits me the most since we were together almost every weekend, all weekend long.

Those of you who know me well, know that I don't like situations that I can't buy or manipulate my way out of. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. For 5 months we planned for this and prepared ourselves for it emotionally and mentally. But today it's here and I'm just not ready. I love that family and being apart from them is one thing I'd never try to do.

Amidst all of this I realize that nothing else matters. All the bitching I've done about all the other garbage going on in my life is worthless. I'm going to do my best to avoid burdening all my readers with more about the negativity and dramatic situations in my life. I talk about The Secret, positivity and living in abundance all the time and I've far from given up on it. Sometimes situations pile up and we have relapses. So I will try to get it together and only talk about what is truly important in life - friends, family and love given to them and received from them.

Josh and Kristine, I'm sure you'll read this in the next few days when you get settled there. I love you. I miss you. You guys and that baby boy are 3 very important people to me. We may be miles away geographically but we will always be near. You know that if you need anything; I'm there. Any time, any place. A plane ride will not keep us apart.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Ol’ Cincinnati Mindfuck

Actually, I have no idea why I attributed what you're about to read to Cincinnati. I don't even know anyone from Cincinnati and the decent people of that city don't deserve, as far as I know, to be generally associated with the below series of events. It just seemed like a catchy title at the time. For the record, I apologize to citizens of Cincinnati who don't exhibit the behaviors that will follow in this message. Now, on with the show.

This one is gonna ruffle feathers and piss someone off. The interesting part is that I'm so far beyond giving a rat's ass at this point. Keep in mind that I have not, am not, and will not attack, rock the boat, stir the pot, make waves or any number of cliches that liken someone to instigating and picking a fight. This is purely reactionary. So, don't like it? I don't care; don't read it. Don't think it should be public? I don't care; don't read it. Don't think it's accurate? I don't care; don't read it. See the pattern here? This is MY space. You have yours to do what you will with it. In mine I choose to keep up to date, the friends, family, cohorts, associates, readers and any otherwise interested parties. Or people who are simply bored enough to sit through these things. Maybe nobody but it makes ME feel better to not keep this garbage bottled up so that's that.

Alright boys and girls, here's ths scoop from inception to now, including the totally nonsensical junk in the wee hours of this morning - abridged version.

You all know I had relationship troubles recently. HA. Troubles. That's funny. this was more like being stabbed in the back with a 12" serrated bread knife and when I turned around to see what happened, I got kicked in the balls, spit in the face and same, said knife plunged into the front of me. I figured I'd put it mildly for everyone.

So I met a woman, gogeous, sexy, fun, etc. Right off the bat, I was drawn in. Rocky start, didn't care. Lots of situations, didn't care. Required changes to my life plan to make it work, didn't care. Would have been all worth it... at the time. My "Ginger" (for those that have seen Casino), had a man halfway in her life previously. Someone that was claimed was never to have been met as of press time. An adorable little Internet relationship from which feelings have been developed. The funny thing about Internet relationships is that it makes it easy for one or both parties to lie their happy asses off and this man, as it was told to me, made the most of that opportunity. And then I showed up and painted a different portrait of adult intimacy. I opened the door to show her what it SHOULD be like, she realized he was no good and we went on with our process.

This carried on through up and down, thick and thin for a few months. There were things that always remained in the back of her mind and she thought that they would be deal breakers for me. No amount of persuasion from me would ever convince her of otherwise. So I'm gonna straighten it out here and now since I have nothing to gain or lose. I could give a fuck less if the woman I'm with can have children. Yes I love children, but I do NOT need my own. I'm not even sure if I care to have my own. It makes NO difference to me, never really has. I'll be a good father and love a child whether it's mine or a stepkid. Other than that, it makes no nevermind to me. She never understood it; mostly because she didn't listen to me. I don't know why, so don't ask.

Anyway, I handled her kids and came to love them as they were part of her life and subsequently, part of mine. The same goes for all the lunatic shit in her life from the almost ex-husband to the family and whatnot. I was on the phone or on the way ready to help whether it was throwing money at the problem until it went away, or organizing things such as getting a list of 200 rental places and narrowing down all the ones that were not large enough or couldn't be afforded then taking the remaining list and organizing that one geographically and driving her around to each and every one on the list. Sometimes it was helpig find a solution and others it was just simply listening and saying, "Don't worry, it will be ok. I'm here and I love you." At one such juncture, she was fearful that an extraneous problem would cause me to leave her. I assured her that was not the case, nor would it ever be. And this is how we lived, every day, side by side, seemingly in love and happier than I had ever been at any point in my life. Yay for me. My life rocks! I was told she'd marry me tomorrow if she could because she could not imagine her life without me. Kickass! Keeps getting better.

Then one day she was gone. Where's the downward slope you're wondering? Yeah... me too. One day I go through the normal routine of calling her on the way home from work and I get no answer. But she has the decency to IM me and tell me she can't do this anymore and basically that was that. 2 weeks goes by and she still won't answer my call. I just wanted my things back and an explanation. I got that but none of it sounded true. Cop out excuses and what not. Oh well. I opened my heart and allowed it to be refilled by the universe and move on and heal. All was on the way to getting better for me.

Then I get an email from her with news that Mr. Internet based relationship is back and they are back together. Ummm... you were never together in the first place. It was over the Internet. Anyway... her love for him is so great that it can't be denied and yes she did care for me at one point and that I deserve to know the love she knows from him and some other such nonsense. I ignored it. Didn't respond. Fine, go for it. Oh yeah, she's moving diagonally across the country to be with him, kids in tow. Great. See ya. Good luck, peace out.

Then I get another attacking email a week later, to which I didn't respond because I was at work. Then I get another one calling me childish for not replying to the first. I have downtime at work alot of the time but when I do have work to do, it's balls to the wall and needs to get done. Plus, I still had nothing to say. Fine. congrats, good luck, Go away. I'm out of your life as you wanted, now why can't YOU leave me the fuck alone? When you disappeared that Friday I didn't call you for 2 weeks until I wanted my possessions back. After that, I didn't call or text you. Someone texted the hell out of someone else from the phone I gave you though... to the tune of an additional $230, mind you. Which I paid even though I shouldn't have had to. Thanks for helping out there. Anyway, I left it all alone. Wanted space; got space. I walked away like the good little puppy dog you treated me as.

Now all was said and done for a couple more weeks. I haven't heard from her, spoken to her or even OF her for that matter. Don't even think about her since the universe allows me to bring good into my life to replace the hurt. It was a fun run, didn't work and I moved on. In one of her nasty-grams to me she said that she heard so much shit from so many people. Well that to me is simply amazing because we only knew ONE common person who I don't speak to THAT regularly and hadn't spoken to this person about her at all. To this day, I'm not sure if this person even knows the whole story. I confided in a couple of people, most of whom live out of state and have NO contact with her. So I don't know what she heard or thought she heard but it was inaccurate. I've even gone back to meeting people again. I don't carry hangups around like that anymore. It's not worth it to drag hurt around town.

Here's the part where I did my breathing to stave off the Incredible Hulk syndrome that runs me out the door looking like a scene from The Matrix all strapped up. 2:30am this morning my phone rings from her. First time since the angry email on July 23rd. Against my immediate reaction, I chose not to answer. No voicemail. 2 minutes later, another call. I didn't answer. I was awake, just had nothing to say and wouldn't get sucked in. No voicemail and then it stopped.

I wanted to answer so badly because 1) I wanted to hear the reason why she was calling. What on this Earth could possess her to call me? What reason is there that would make me want to talk to her now? I thought it was an emergency at first and if that was the case, she would have kept calling or left me a voicemail. Neither of which happened so it couldn't have been THAT important.

And therein lies "The Ol' Cincinnati Mindfuck." HAHA. Someone loves you immensely, then spontaneously disappears only to say nasty shit for a few weeks and disappear again. Then out of the blue, calls in the wee hours of the morning. I've yet to sleep since that phone call. I'm still not a happy camper. If your intent was to fuck up my internals... accomplished. If it was to make me wonder what that could possibly be... accomplished. If it was to aggravate the shit out of me to the point I couldn't sleep since... ACCOMPLISHED.

I'd like everyone to note that throughout this, I've been confused and angry at the situation and even at her. I've been sarcastic a little. Notice I didn't attack her directly as a person. I didn't defame her character or belittle her. There were no insults. That's in black and white so I can't be accused of talking shit. Should I air dirty laundry on here? I don't know. I haven't used names or said anything that can be construed as slander or libel. I know a little about "yellow journalism" and I'm not taking opinion and parading it around as objective fact. Just stating how I feel.

The shit of it all is that deep down somewhere inside of me, I still love this woman. I just don't like her.