Sunday, July 27, 2008

For love OR money... maybe for the love OF money

So I'm a couple of drinks into it tonight because I had a long day hiding in a 110 degree ceiling, dropping tiles and renovating ductwork. It started to pour here earlier so I decided to relax with a drink or six. As per usual, my gears started to turn, as they do when I'm sober but especially as the booze fills my belly.

It seems as though my recent ramblings have been geared toward love or money so this one will address both at once.

Throughout my life I've chased love and I've chased money, but I've done both separately. I've run out of love on more than one occasion. I've run out of money more times than I can count. Regaining money is something I have direct control over. I can make more however I see fit. I can take another job. I can position myself where I can jockey for a raise (not within the military, of course). I can take side jobs doing photography, selling prints, building websites, etc. I don't have that same control over love. That is because love requires another person and they have to want what I'm selling. Many, over the years, have seemed to initially but they all seem to go batshit crazy sooner or later and fly the coop. So how does one overcome this obstacle? Well, the way I see it I can be patient, remember the laws of attraction and manifest an opportunity to me "the one." Or I can take an alternative approach and realize that The Secret says that like attracts like.

What do I like? I have my hobbies and I have the things that make me enjoy myself but beyond that I like money and things. I did say in one long winded blog that my "stuff" was no substitute for real relationships with people, be it business, friendship, romantic or otherwise. I'm not playing the black and white game. I'm seeing in shades of gray and seeking a successful cohabitation of the two.

How in the hell can I accomplish such a feat? Well, maybe I need to adjust my sights and zero in on a different kind of individual. People fall in love and people fall out of love. Opinions change. Desires falter and dreams fade. So... what's the constant? What can you bet on? Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your frame of reference, in today's American society you can bet that all that glitters is gold. We are blinded by the almighty dollar. Maybe some more than others but there's no two ways about that money CAN buy love. With more dollars you can do more things. I'm not saying to let your days revolve around the portrait of George and his compatriots but, at least, admit that opportunities abound when you're bottom line is well above the bottom.

So let's trim the fat and get to the meat of the matter here. You can lose money chasing women, but you can't lose women chasing money. So rather than get to know every in and out of a person, which is a virtual impossibility I can make an offer that some golddigger can't refuse. Skip the emotions, aka thoughts that block logic. If you date/marry/etc for love that can change on a whim of the other person, as my life has so vividly shown. Now... if I enter into an arrangement with an individual based on dollars and cents then I believe I have a better than average shots of retaining the situation.

Here's how I see it: you're a woman who loves money. I'm a guy with a bunch of it, let's say. As long as I keep you in diamonds and furs, you won't go anywhere. If the money dries up you leave. Am I hurt? Nope because it wasn't based on love. As long as the cash flows freely, you'll stick around.

Does it cost more? Of course it does, but as I said from the beginning, I can get more money. I can always get more money. And in return I have someone by my side for eternity.

So now I have to find someone who will meet my physical standards and be able to detach feelings from things. Someone who will love me for my bank account and not for who I am. I'll keep the checks coming and she'll stick around as long as I do.

The business of business is business. Numbers don't lie.

Now here's the $64 million question... am I serious or not? Do I mean it or have I drank too much? The world may never know. HAHAHA. Those who know me, know how ridiculous I can get when I think about something, when I drink and when I think about something while I'm drinking. Others know my ability to operate on a totally different plane from the average sane individual. I'll never tell.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Explosion of clarity taken from the muck and mire

This is gonna be a long one... I can feel it.

I just can't seem to quit this blogging thing. Maybe I should try. It would seem that posting my thoughts ruffles some feathers at times. Then again, if you don't include private musings, then why bother blogging at all? You can always say that if folks don't like what they see, then the shouldn't read it. It's not force fed to anyone and therefore, not my responsibility if people feel their toes are stepped on. It's said that freedom is neither absolute nor limitless. Your freedom ends when it begins to infringe on the freedom of another. I suppose that means that all of our liberties are meant to reach an equilibrium among us, or at least among the connected parties of any given situation. To that end, I suppose I should feel some kind of guilt for offending individuals, yet I do not. However, I am also not pleased for causing emotional strife for anyone I know and care for to any degree. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that when I care for someone; I care for them very deeply regardless of the nature or level of our association. This holds true even when I feel I am personally wronged by someone or by their actions.

Unfortunately for me as of press time, and maybe for all of us throughout the continuum, life is a zero sum game. A gain by one party represents a loss by another. Or a gain within oneself requires a loss and subsequently we have a balance to zero. Maybe I shouldn't treat life like economics although it seems to apply in a multitude of situations. Relationships are prime examples of nature falling prey to the law of diminishing return. A theory defined as by returning to previous efforts repeatedly will garner less enjoyment each time. Eating steak every day will get old after a while. You will receive less satisfaction. Your return will, effectively, diminish each time. Maybe it's only MY relationships thus far. Here's the rub... not on my end.

So back to the zero sum qualities. It works in reverse. Negative is balanced by positive. Not always true positive. Sometimes it's just what will fill the void or distracts you long enough to stay out of the negative. Everyone knows how I feel about sinking into negativity and despair and how adamently I oppose that with all my effort. Several blogs ago I spoke of replacing "things" of minutia with real relationships and associations of importance. All the while, I relapsed into a previous frame of mind. I spent. That's what I have always done and that is what I did once more. I bought expensive and extravagant gifts for myself. I drained cents through my fingers like the sands of time through an hourglass - consistently, steadily and in a rythmically hypnotic fashion. I turned to the glitz and glamour of new stuff in hopes that I wouldn't remember why I was doing it in the first place. Even now, I send these words over the lanes of the information superhighway via keys of a brand new laptop that I so quickly decided I absolutely NEEDED.

I have re-run the past 3 months in my mind almost all minutes of all days since the latest string of unimaginable events became very real to me. The first few false starts, rocky moments gaining traction, the incredible acceleration, to what turned out to be terminal velocity, and the brick wall thrown up in front. I can tell you I saw it coming, but that's about as likely as someone figuring out the ending to "The 6th Sense" the first time. I can tell you I'm glad it went this way, but I'm not prone to false testimony. I can even tell you I understand it, but I don't, try as I may. My quote reads, "Through acceptance, comes understanding. Through understanding, comes acceptance. Through understanding and acceptance, comes resolution." I don't understand it so I guess I don't accept it. I'm not sure which of those two is the cause and which is the effect - at least not yet. I certainly don't feel resolved. I feel as if the words "The End" were projected on a movie screen just halfway through and I got sent home from the theater; without rhyme or reason and without a refund.

I've made efforts to say "to hell with it all. Who needs that shit anyway?" but at this point in our lives, we're all familiar with the term "defense mechanism." I did that because I know the part I played and I know what was brought upon me - a shower of positivity and wonderful moment succeeded by wonderful moment and then a drought; followed only by hurtful communications. I understand that all good things come to an end and I understand the plethora of reasons it happens. What I don't understand is how I've become the evildoer in all of it. I had supposed that I was simply not the proper man for the job; which I can accept. Now I believe that I'm seen as someone who is simply awful all around and I'm baffled as to how that switch came about. Moving from love to hate in such a short time, is a trip I'll never understand how anyone can make.

When I heard/read that, my blood pressure went through the roof, as it's been known to do. I got dizzy, my vision closed in, my head pounded and for the first time, I felt actual pain in my chest. I've felt that pain before but not related to emotion or reaction. It wasn't the loss but the series of events in the way the loss was garnered that was... killing me.

I did some thinking. I remembered the theories taught to us by The Secret. I remembered that the universe provides - always! It came to me. I have not lost anything. I have gained. It might seem impossible to understand how or what I have gained. As some people do, I also, after long and/or serious relationships sternly instruct my heart to stop feeling. I lead myself to believe that it is the end and I will never again feel the warmth of someone else's love. Usually, I simultaneously also admit that I don't actually believe it. Last November that was different. I believed it that time. I swore to myself and the public at large that I had reached the end of my romantic days. Out of the blue, my most recent situation arrived and before I had realized it myself, my heart had awoken from its coma-like slumber and was operating at full capacity.

Despite the chain of events that led me here to this message, I have not fallen back into the previous, post-relationship state I have become accustomed to. So maybe the last partnership was not supposed to work. Maybe it's role was always impermanence. It is quite possible that the entire thing was manifested by the universe to serve the sole purpose of reminding me that I am fully capable of loving again, even in the face of adversity.

Under those circumstances, I can truly say that no matter what kind of tension or anger I may appear to have on the surface, deep down inside there will always remain love. I will always place a level of importance on the entire thing and anyone associated with it because as a whole, it was a positive experience. It has provided me with memories I would not trade for anything and the knowledge that the end of one situation does not imply the end of all similar situations. Feelings toward a particular event are not representative of all my feelings.

So while I mourn this loss to a degree, I also am thankful for the condition in which I remain at the outset. I could not have achieved this new level of appreciation for loss by myself. My heart's desire is that one day, the anger I have felt directed at me will subside and it will be understood that I haven't in the past, don't now and won't in the future, harbor any negative feelings or ill will. One of the statements in the previous blog that I referenced here earlier was that I learn from everyone in my life in some way and that each person has shaped me into who I am today.

I'm not an awful person, I know that. I just don't want to be seen that way by anyone either. It may not matter what everyone thinks of me because you can't please everyone. I don't see it that way. We are all connected, we are all one. We are all made of the same energy. This is the core, defining principle of The Secret. So, I believe, it IS important what people think of you. You may be a step in the path for someone else to manifest something. If they falsely identify you as unworthy, then you will fall out of their chain and their manifestations can, and probably will, suffer. I'm not perfect. As a human, I'm flawed. I do try my best as often as I can though.

So I end this seemingly unending diatribe with a simple message. I have found the good in the bad. I have let go of the anger (mostly, it's a process). I have admitted a level of undying love that belongs to the good parts. I have realized the emotional injuries I have sustained are temporary and non-fatal. Most importantly, I have graduated to the next level of Secret based consciousness. I implore everyone to take something from this as applicable. Maybe this will be seen one day by whoever is meant to see it, according to the plan of the universe.

If you've suffered through to the end, thank you for your time. The situation was important, the person was important, the lesson was ultimately important.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bad is good

I'm not sure if I have anything to say or I just feel incomplete because I haven't rambled incessantly on here in a while. Regardless, here goes another round of me pontificating like a fuckin madman.

Bob Proctor is a genius and his words really linger in my head for days and weeks after hearing them. I often read and re-read his work and draw from it, more than what initially hit me. Usually, the things that enter my brain shortly after reading it, are simple things and only upon further investigation do I really see what he means. And then I extrapolate from there to some kind of logical end without knowing how I really arrived there.

I realized the other day, that bad is good. It doesn't make alot of sense but it's true. Bad things in life are good, to an extent. Be aware that I don't mean negative things or negativity as a school of thought. I just mean things that we don't want to happen are sometimes exactly what we need to happen. It's a matter of appreciation. If you only ever ate delicious food, would you appreciate it? Probably not. Anyone who's ever eaten a single bag of Peanut M&M's knows the taste in their mouth of that one louse M&M that I'm convinced they put in there on purpose. How good does the next good M&M taste thereafter (despite the cautious way in which you bite into it)?

Ever have makeup sex with a partner? Same thing applies. We need to have lousy things in our life so we can compare to the good things and have a true measurement. If you never fought in your relationship with your partner, is that healthy? The initial reaction is to say yes because nobody wants to fight - they think they don't want to fight. We are all human, we know this. As humans, we make mistakes. We're not perfect, as much as we may strive or claim to be at times. If you fucked up and your partner didn't say a word, would that make you feel better? Not me. Either they a) are not paying attention to what I do or b) don't give enough of a shit to say something. Either way... not good. No passion, no caring, no notice. Who wants that? But when you make a mistake and the other person screams at you or cries to you or simply tells you what's up and ignores you until he/she calms down, what happens inside? If you're not cold and heartless and have true feelings for that person, you are definitely affected, are you not? You may think it's because you got yelled at or caught but really, it's because you long for the time when things were happy. When it gets resolved and it's all calm again, and the smiles return, you feel better. Even better than you did before the fight happened in the first place (generally).

You need bad to have good. Maybe not to have it but to understand it, appreciate it and truly enjoy it. It's pretty simple. Of course this is not out of nowhere or without rhyme or reason. It ties into all the things I've been telling you about the past few months. Remember this. The next time something goes wrong, don't get down on yourself or the situation. Don't ask the universe "why does this always happen to me?" Understand that it has to happen to you. It's not a never ending situation. It's usually not even a situation that you can't get out of. It's a reality check. It's a wake up call. It's motivational even in the sense that when things are shitty you want to make them better. So you can succumb to the negative sitaution by projecting negativity and wondering why it always happens to you and not deal with it. Or you can recognize a negative situation as being an opportunity to stay positive, let the universe provide and find your way back to happy situations.

It's important to always be positive and never negative. Negativity begets negativity. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and only you have the ability to break the cycle and bring good things back into your life.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I know this is LONG but I didn't write it. This is a little something from Bob Proctor (of The Secret fame). When you have time, read it in its entirety. Just like The Secret, it will change your life.

Your greatest result … begins with your decision!

There is a single mental move you can make which, in a millisecond, will solve enormous problems for you. It has the potential to improve almost any personal or business situation you will ever encounter ... and it could literally propel you down the path to incredible success. We have a name for this magic mental activity ... it is called DECISION.

Decisions or the lack of them are responsible for the breaking or making of many a career. Individuals who have become very proficient at making decisions, without being influenced by the opinions of others, are the same people whose annual incomes fall into the six and seven figure category. However, it's not just your income that is affected by decisions; your whole life is dominated by this power. The health of your mind and body, the well-being of your family, your social life, the type of relationships you develop … all are dependent upon your ability to make sound decisions.

"Decision making" is not a class you can take

You would think anything as important as decision-making, when it has such farreaching power would be taught in every school, but it is not. To compound the problem, not only is decision-making missing from the curriculum of our educational institutions, up until recently, it's also been absent from most of the corporate training and human resource programs available.

So, how is a person expected to develop this mental ability? Quite simply, you must do it on your own. However, I think it's important to understand that it's not difficult to learn how to make wise decisions. Armed with the proper information and by subjecting yourself to certain disciplines, you can become a very effective decision maker.

You can virtually eliminate conflict and confusion in your life by becoming proficient at making decisions. Decision-making brings order to your mind, and of course, this order is then reflected in your objective world ... your results.

James Allen may have been thinking of decisions when he wrote, "We think in secret and it comes to pass. Environment is but our looking glass." No one can see you making decisions but they will almost always see the results of your decisions. The person who fails to develop their ability to make decisions is doomed because indecision sets up internal conflicts that can, without warming, escalate into all out mental and emotional wars. Psychiatrists have a name to describe these internal wars: it is ambivalence. My Oxford Dictionary tells me that ambivalence is the co-existence in one person of opposite feelings toward the same objective.

What happens when decisions are not made

You do not require a doctorate degree in psychiatry to understand that you are going to have difficulty in your life by permitting your mind to remain in an ambivalent state for any period of time. The person who does permit it to exist will become very despondent and virtually incapable of any type of productive activity. It is obvious that anyone who finds themselves in such a mental state is not living; at best, they are merely existing. A decision or a series of decisions would change everything.

A very basic law of the universe is "create or disintegrate". Indecision causes disintegration. How often have you heard a person say, "I don't know what to do." How often have you heard yourself say, "What should I do?" Think about some of the indecisive feelings you and virtually everyone on this planet experience from time to time.

Everyone, on occasion, has experienced these feelings of ambivalence. If it happens to you frequently, decide right now to stop it. The cause of ambivalence is indecision, but we must keep in mind that the truth is not always in the appearance of things. Indecision is a cause of ambivalence, however it is a secondary cause, it is not the primary cause.

Here's what all decision makers have in common

I have been studying the behavior of people who have become very proficient at making decisions for over a quarter century. They all have one thing in common. They have a very strong self image, a high degree of self-esteem. They may be as different as night is to day in numerous other respects, but they certainly possess confidence. Low self-esteem or a lack of confidence is the real culprit here. Decision makers are not afraid of making an error. If and when they make an error in their decision, or fail at something, they have the ability to shrug it off. They learn from the experience but they will never submit to the failure.

Every decision maker was either fortunate enough to have been raised in an environment where decision-making was a part of their upbringing, or they developed the ability themselves at a later date. They are aware of something that everyone, who hopes to live a full life, must understand: Decision making is something you cannot avoid.

That is the cardinal principle of decision making. DECIDE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE WITH WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT. This is precisely why most people never master this important aspect of life. They permit their resources to dictate if and when a decision will or can be made. When John Kennedy asked Werner Von Braun what it would take to build a rocket that would carry a man to the moon and return him safely to earth, his answer was simple and direct. "The will to do it." President Kennedy never asked if it was possible. He never asked if they could afford it or any one of a thousand other questions, all of which would have ... at that time ... been valid questions.

President Kennedy made a decision ... he said, we will put a man on the moon and return him safely to earth before the end of the decade. The fact that it had never been done before in all the hundreds of thousands of years of human history was not even a consideration. He DECIDED where he was with what he had. The objective was accomplished in his mind the second he made the decision. It was only a matter of time ... which is governed by natural law before the goal was manifested in form for the whole world to see.

Here's what happens once you make the decision

I was ... just hours ago ... in an office with three people. We were discussing the purchase of shares in a company. I was selling, they were buying. After a reasonable amount of time, one of the partners asked me when I wanted a decision. I replied, "Right now." I said, "You already know what you want to do." There was some discussion about money. I pointed out that money had nothing to do with it. Once you make the decision you will find the money ... every time. If that is the only benefit you receive from this particular message on decision-making, burn it into your mind. It will change

your life. I explained to two of these people that I never let money enter my mind when I am deciding whether I will or will not do something. Whether I can afford it or not is never a consideration. Whether I want to or not is the only consideration. You can afford anything, there is an infinite supply of money. All of the money in the world is available to you, when the decision is firmly made. If you need money, you will attract it.

I am well aware there are any number of people who will say that is absurd. You can't just decide to do something if you do not have the necessary resources. And that's fine if that is the way they choose to think. I see that as a very limiting way of thinking.

In truth, it probably is not thinking at all ... it is very likely an opinion being expressed that was inherited from another older member of their family who did not think either.

Thinking is very important. Decision makers are great thinkers. Do you ever give much consideration to your thoughts? ... how they affect the various aspects of your life?

Although this should be one of our most serious considerations, for many people it is not.

There is a very small select few who make any attempt to control or govern their thoughts.

Anyone who has made a study of the great thinkers, the great decision makers, the achievers of history, will know they very rarely agreed on anything when it came to the study of human life. However, there was one point on which they were in complete and unanimous agreement and that was, "We become what we think about."

What do YOU think about? You and I must realize that our thoughts ultimately control every decision we make. You are the sum total of your thoughts. By taking charge this very minute, you can guarantee yourself a good day. Refuse to let unhappy, negative people or circumstances affect you.

Why circumstance gets in the way

The greatest stumbling block you will encounter when making important decisions in your life is circumstance. We let circumstance get us off the hook when we should be giving it everything we've got. More dreams are shattered and goals lost because of circumstance than any other single factor.

How often have you caught yourself saying, "I would like to do or have this but I can't because ..." Whatever follows "because" is the circumstance. Circumstances may cause a detour in your life but you should never permit them to stop you from making important decisions. Napoleon said, "Circumstances … I make them."

The next time you hear someone say they would like to vacation in Paris, or purchase a particular automobile but they can't because they have no money, explain they don't need the money until they make a decision to go to Paris or purchase the car.

When the decision is made, they will figure out a way to get the amount needed. They always do.

What happens if you make the wrong decision?

Many misguided individuals try something once or twice and if they do not hit the bullseye, they feel they are a failure. Failing does not make anyone a failure, but quitting most certainly does and quitting is a decision. By following that form of reasoning, you would have to say when you make a decision to quit, you make a decision to fail.

Every day in America, you hear about a baseball player signing a contract that will pay him a few million dollars a year. You should try to keep in mind ... that same player misses the ball more often than he hits it when he steps up to the plate.

Everyone remembers Babe Ruth for the 714 home runs he hit and they rarely mention that he struck out 1,330 times.

Charles F. Kettering said, and I quote, "When you're inventing , if you flunk 999 times and succeed once, you're in." That is true of just about any activity you can name, but the world will soon forget your failures in light of your achievements. Don't worry about failing, it will toughen you up and get you ready for your big win. Winning is a decision.

Many years ago Helen Keller was asked if she thought there was anything worse than being blind. She quickly replied that there was something much worse. She said, "The most pathetic person in the world is a person who has their sight but no vision." I agree with Helen Keller. At 91, J.C. Penny was asked how his eyesight was. He replied that his sight was failing but his vision had never been better. That is really great, isn't it?

Don't worry about how it's all supposed to turn out

When a person has no vision of a better way of life, they automatically shut themselves in a prison; they limit themselves to a life without hope. This frequently happens when a person has seriously tried, on a number of occasions, to win, only to meet with failure time after time. Repeated failures can damage a person's self-image and cause them to lose sight of their potential. They, therefore make a decision to give up and resign themselves to their fate.

Take the first step in predicting your own prosperous future. Build a mental picture of exactly how you would like to live. Make a firm decision to hold on to that vision and positive ways to improve everything will begin to flow into your mind.

Many people get a beautiful vision of how they would like to live but because they cannot see how they are going to make it all happen, they let the vision go. If they knew how they were going to get it or do it, they would have a plan not a vision. There is no inspiration in a plan but there sure is in a vision. When you get the vision, freeze frame it with a decision and don't worry about how you will do it or where the resources will come from. Charge your decision with enthusiasm ... that is important. Refuse to worry about how it will happen.

A course on Advanced Decision Making

We make advanced bookings when we fly somewhere, that is quite common. We make advanced reservations to eliminate any confusion or problems when the time arrives for the journey. We do the same with renting a car, for the same reason. Think of the problems you will eliminate by making many of the decisions you must make ... well in advance. I'll give you an excellent example. As I am preparing this message it is Ramadan, a time where all practicing Muslims fast. I was in an office yesterday in Kuala Lumpur and was asked if I would like a cup of tea or coffee. I replied that I would appreciate a cup of tea. The lady next to me was then asked if she would like a cup and she replied ... "No, I'm fasting." When she was asked, she did not have to decide whether she wanted anything or not. Whether she was thirsty or not was not a consideration. A decision had previously been made and her advanced Decision was well tempered with discipline.

The exact same concept works with a person when they are on a diet to release weight. Their decisions are made in advance. If they are offered a big slice of chocolate cake, they don't have to say, "Gee, that looks good ... I wonder if I should." The decision is made in advance.

I made a decision a long time ago that I would not participate in discussions of why something cannot be done. The only compensation you will ever receive for participating in or giving energy to that type of discussion, is something you do not want.

I always find it amazing at the number of seemingly intelligent people who persist in dragging you into these negative brainstorming sessions. In one breath these people tell you they seriously want to accomplish a particular objective. And, in the next breath, they begin talking about why they can't. Think of how much more of life they would enjoy by making a decision that they will no longer participate in that type of negative energy.

Other habits practiced by advanced decision makers . . .

The humanistic psychologist, Dr. Abraham Maslow who devoted his life to studying self actualized people, stated very clearly that we should follow our inner guide and not be swayed by the opinion of others or outside circumstances. Maslow's research showed that the decision makers in life had a number of things in common; most importantly, they did work they felt was worthwhile and important. They found work a pleasure, and there was little distinction between work and play. Dr. Maslow said, to be self actualized you must not only be doing work you consider to be important, you must do it well and enjoy it.

Dr. Maslow recorded that these superior performers had values, those qualities in their personalities they considered to be worthwhile and important. Their values were not imposed by society, parents or other people in their lives. They did make their own decisions. Like their work, they chose and developed their values themselves.

Your life is important and, at its best, life is short.

You have the potential to do anything you choose, and to do it well. But, you must make decisions and when the time for a decision arrives, you must make your decision where you are with what you've got.

Let me leave you with the words of two great decision makers, William James and Thomas Edison. William James suggested that, compared to what we ought to be, we are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating this concept broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts, which he habitually fails to use.

Years later, Thomas Edison said, and I quote, "If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." By making a simple decision, the greatest minds of the past are available to you. You can literally learn how to turn your wildest dreams into reality.

Put this valuable information to use and recognize the greatness that exists within you. You have limitless resources of potential and ability waiting to be developed. Start today – there's never any time better than the present. Be all that you are capable of being!

Monday, July 14, 2008


Everything costs so much damn money. Growing up is really starting to get on my nerves. I've about had it with funding my life at this point. It just never seems to end. Thankfully, I'm in a position where I can, fairly easily, cut checks for each thing. I've hit points where my cash flow was pretty low but those are isolated cases. Usually it's due to a large outpouring of cash in instances back to back that are unprecedented and unplanned and it's usually combined with the inability to move money into my daily account on time. Sometimes it has to do with not getting the "ok" from the financial manager. It's his job to make money for me; not let me spend too much so he's tight with my "allowance," plus he takes a percentage of what he makes me so you do the math.

The point here is that I remember, vaguely, the days where my biggest plan was scraping together $15 for the new CD or going to the movies. Needing 50 bucks was a special event. Now, everything is in the hundreds, or thousands and it's starting to irritate me.

New iPhone was $300 earlier in the weekend. I don't need it, per se, but anyone who knows me will know that in a way I do need it. Technology is my bread and butter and it pays my bills. Staying on top of things is important to me, as a person and important to my career. And these days I can honestly say, "Well, it's only $300."

Then I bought a new laptop. Again, I don't need it now but it's a future plan. Next year I leave the military so I have to be prepared for life outside of the Air Force. We all know that photography is going to play a major part in my life whether I do it as a career, a side business or as a hobby only, it's a big passion of mine and will be in my life no matter what. So I had to make the switch from MS Windows to Apple/Macintosh. My new MacBook Pro cost me a whopping 2 thousand dollars yesterday. No big deal. I got a good price on it and I'll get more than 2 grand worth of use out of it.

Today my external hard drive, where I store all my pertinent information such as documents, accounting information, customer invoices, etc decided to shit the bed on me. I absolutely NEED that information no matter what. So I called different data recovery services. And they each told me the same story on what went wrong and what it would take to fix it; and all quoted me the same price estimates at about $1800. Can I ignore it? Nope, sure can't. That's very important to me. So now I have to shell that money out next.

That puts me at 4 grand total for all this. Let's not even discuss the minor fixes the car needs and a 90k mile checkup because that's several hundred more dollars.

I should say to hell with it all, use the cash to invent a time machine and travel back to simpler days. Oh well. I guess it's my own fault. If I never had money, I wouldn't have expensive stuff and expensive hobbies and not need as much money. The more you have, the more you spend.

I'm not complaining when you get right down to it because I'm fortunate enough to have the cash to spend and I'm thankful that the Universe provided for me. It just seems that things pile up all at once and it gets frustrating that it's ALOT of things each for ALOT of money at the same time. It will all be worth it when I'm making money in a few weeks designing the new application for the new iPhone on my new Mac notebook.

Just having a little buyer's remorse for the moment. Besides, it's only money and you can't take it with you, right?

Friday, July 11, 2008

I have no willpower to resist, just the will to manifest cool shit.

I know my last blog talked about how I used to have lots of "stuff" and how in the end it meant nothing to me and all that. But I gotta tell you, some "stuff" is just too cool to NOT have it. Add in the fact that i LOVE spending lots of money in general, especially after a lousy week and I just can't help it.

So I called every AT&T store in a 2 hour radius and got laughed at by every one when I asked if they had any iPhone 3G's in stock. Then one guy told me he could do a direct fulfillment. So for $300 for the phone and $15 for expedited shipping, I'll have it here in 3-5 business days. I'd have overnighted it if I could but that wasn't an option.

Unlike the first one, there's no home iTunes activation so that bad boy will be ready to rock the moment I take it out of its little black box of happiness.

I was despondent initially when told that nobody in SC had one and for a split second thought about the Apple store in Atlanta since I could get a Mac machine and a Macbook Air and the phone all at once but I figured that might be a little excessive. Then I said to myself - "Don't be negative. Make a decision like Bob Proctor tells you to." So I made a decision to get the phone no matter what it takes. Not if I can find one or if I can afford it or if I feel like making the trip. I just said "Get the phone." and it was as simple as that. The next guy I called was the one that knew how to do direct fulfillment over the phone and we ordered it on the spot.

There's no 3G coverage in this area and the plan is more expensive but... 3G is coming AND iPhone 2G doesn't allow corporate discounts (which I'm normally entitled to) but iPhone 3G DOES so after the discounts apply to the phone line and the data plan it's actually CHEAPER. HAHAHA.

The Universe provides baby! Just believe it and it arrives in your lap. Plain and simple. I'm gonna tell you guys a little about Bob Proctor's views on decision making in the not too distant future. I just need to further understand myself. Read it today but don't quite get it 100% yet. I guess I grasp it enough to make it work for me though, huh?

Anyway, just thought some of you would appreciate the magnitude of something like this phone and others might take interest in my little kid ear to ear smile. When in doubt, buy some cool shit. It's Christmas in July for the Vig and his phone.

Now I just need to manifest a buyer for the original iPhone. HAHAHA. Any takers?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Once upon a time...

I had everything in life. Many years ago I was, seemingly, on top of the world. I lived and worked in the area that I grew up in, surrounded by all I ever knew. My family was close, healthy and intact. I had friends that I knew since we were in diapers for some and others that I made along the way. I had a job that I probably didn't deserve with a salary I KNOW I didn't deserve.

When it came to my friends, we had many different crews. There was the Jersey crew full of people who were full of potential and have since become titans in corporate America. There was the Queens, NY crew. A large group of people who you always knew you could find at our regular bar at any time of any day of the week. We even had our own Christmas stockings hanging over the bar. There was the Staten Island crew that was always down for long nights out in the city or up at Hunter Mountain.

During the day I strutted around New York City's financial district with the movers and shakers, riding elevators all over the New York Stock Exchange. I was clad in Brooks Brothers suits and shoes worth more than I make in a month now. We had corporate dinners and bottomless expense accounts. We did what we wanted, when we wanted - cost meant nothing and we spared no expense. I remember throwing $900 on a bar one night, insisting my glass never got empty. We'd take off to Atlantic City with handfuls of black chips and lose it all, keeping just enough to buy breakfast in the event we didn't get a comp.

Money flowed like water while partying at the Plaza Hotel or having drinks at Windows on the World. We were corporate royalty. I was full of things but... I... was empty.

One fateful morning, it all changed. People came to destroy the way of life that I, specifically, lived. The money dried up, the job went away, my life changed... and I fell.

I woke up months later in a blue knit shirt ringing up customers for a new keyboard at BestBuy. My lunch came in a paper bag and I worked every minute I could to compensate for the measly hourly wage I was given.

Then it changed again. I threw caution to wind and signed my liberties away, care of Uncle Sam. I traded the suits for BestBuy blue and I traded BestBuy blue for camouflage. I enlisted in the US Air Force for 6 years as an explosive ordnance disposal technician. Due to a prior indiscretion and difference of opinions that was solved in the most physical of manners, the Air Force slid me away from the bombs and back behind a desk, under flourescent lights, at the mercy of a keyboard again. A life not dissimilar from the one I was stripped of years prior.

I landed in Sumter, SC - a place unlike anywhere else I had been and it became my new home. Finding my footing was difficult initially. I needed the speed of the city, the hustle and bustle, the rat race. I needed a corporate ladder to climb. My friends were all years younger than me and those I got along with, I worked for and couldn't truly spend time with. I was stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. My decision to enlist was not reached lightly, but after all the deliberation it still started to seem like it was a mistake. I was without option though and buckled down to make the best of it.

Once I did, the universe manifested something for me that was, far and away, what I needed. It sent me a loving couple, Josh & Kristine, and a beautiful baby named Aden. These folks are not my best friends; they are my family but more on them later.

More good friends filled in behind - some close, some just pals but all together a support system. And within this group, people have come and gone along the way.

At one point, I met a young lady. Quickly, we formed a bond and had decided that spending the rest of our life together was the way to go. Clearly, that was not a smart move and it was not meant to be and went our separate ways. Initially I gave up hope and got negative. Then I allowed the universe to listen to my abundance vibration and present me another opportunity - a better opportunity.

And I met someone else, Crystal. I did say it was better, true. However, we didn't stay together. This was through no fault of our own. Timing and circumstances beyond our control caused a rift in the relationship, but I still believe, not in us. We've since split but I've yet to accept the permanence of the scenario. The core difference between the two relationships of which I speak is that when it came to the first one, it was us clinging to what we thought we wanted. We were in love with the idea of each other, but never truly with each other. It was the relationship, the dream, the end goal that we both wanted. We didn't know then, that we were not meant to realize that dream together. That's ok. The end of that only opened the door for the most recent one. This one, as opposed to the former, had (I dare say HAS) what it takes to be successful indefinitely. It may one day yet again rise and bloom to show the world its full beauty and potential.

You'll notice that in the first part of this I talk about all I had and how wonderful it all was and how it seems like a life I once had yet still yearn for. This life appears, through these words, as something that's been full of disappointment and failure. That is contrary to my point.

I had "stuff" before. Tons and tons of "stuff." But it never filled me. The suits are gone, the money is gone, the prestige is gone but so is that hollow feeling.

Yes, I've had disappointment in my new life, but it is worth it for the true happiness I've found here. I wouldn't trade a single moment of any of it for all the Brooks Brothers in the world.

Josh, Kristine and Aden are preparing to depart for a new adventure in Germany. It breaks my heart to let them go. However, it is time. Aden will experience things most children will never have the opportunity to. And they are only leaving my day to day life. They will never truly be away from me, as my heart won't allow it.

I'm without the light of my life as of the present moment. I miss the smile that can melt my heart and send me into the clouds. I can't hear the giggle that sends me into hysterics until I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I don't have her scent winding its way up my nose, working me into a trance in tandem with her beauty. I don't look into the eyes that are the windows into a soul that is the complement of my very own. Along with it, I've lost the sight of the true innocence of the children I had come to love as if they were my own. Hence, I'm alone again; clutching to the memories of what was, the pain of what is and the hope for what may yet be.

So I here I sit, without money or power, without biological family, without adopted "family," without chosen family - on a couch in a trailer and I think. I think about who I was and who I have become. I think about desires. Not wants, but desires. Heart's desires. I think about the loss of stuff, the loss of family members and the loss of those I have surrounded myself with all these long days. I tell you without a doubt; without a single solitary doubt that even though the hole in my heart is one of the strongest feelings I have; it is trumped by the love I have received by the many people around me. There is nothing in this world more important to me than the people I've mentioned to you here today (all save for one).

They have all shaped me in one way or another. They have all made me who I am and for that... I owe. I learn from them every day, each in their own way and they all mean the world to me. They have taken a life I thought I could not handle and turned it into something I've come to love and cherish.

It has been a long and winding road and I look forward to each twist and turn that comes next. My only wish is that I can look to my right or my left and find each and every one of them travelling with me, in person or in spirit. For those that can no longer walk the same path as I, know that the part you played so far will be remembered fondly - always.

I love you.

Monday, July 07, 2008

You HAVE to live it, not JUST use it.

I profess this all the time and I'm the worst when it comes to actually practicing it. Folks, you just cannot USE the secret to get what you want. You have to live it all the time. Don't get me wrong, when things are going well, it's super easy to live it all day every day and stay positive. In the face of adversity, is when it's very difficult to stay positive. You get overcome with negativity because everything around you is negative. However, that is when it is most crucial to stay positive. Let the universe provide for you. It will do it as long as you let it. Think negative, you get negative. That's all there is to it.

This plays a part in my life tonight. I just had a relationship go down the shitter last week. This was a big one. This was real. The good parts were better than any good parts of any relationship I've ever had. The bad parts... well... there just weren't any. I'm not going to go into details about things but I'll just say that the person I was dating has a lot going on in her life. She has several situations that she's trying to work through. As it sometimes happens in life, people get overwhelmed and consumed with things and other parts of life have to get sacrificed. This is also not the way of the secret but I don't fault her or anyone else for it. This is life.

The part that's applicable to me living the secret comes into play in my reaction. I immediately took a negative turn. I visualized the worst. I fell into a hole of despair. I missed her and felt like it would never work again. and it didn't work out in the end. Just today it tied up once and for all. We did, at least, sit and talk for a while about things.

If I stayed positive, maybe it would have worked out, but then again maybe not. Maybe positivity will let it work out in the future when her life is conducive. I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball - if I did, I'd probably also have the winning lottery numbers.

So what can I do going forward? I can continue to stay positive and know that the universe will always provide for me, whether it's in finances, jobs, friendships or love. I can hope that in terms of love, I'm provided with her back in my life but that may not be the case. Maybe someone else will come my way or maybe being alone is my relationship happiness simply because it avoids heartbreak. Time will tell.

I do know that the good that's come of all of this is that it has renewed my faith in the secret. I've lived it and good things have come my way. I didn't live it; I faltered and I became negative and that's what I brought into my life.

I can't stress enough the need to live it all day, every day and good things WILL happen to you.