Tuesday, February 26, 2008

So many hobbies, so little time

Most of you know, I get bored pretty quickly. I pick something, go nuts for it, work at it nonstop for a while and then move on. Here's the issue I'm having - I'm amassing hobbies lately. I thought it would be a good thing. Unfortunately for me... I'm not 16 anymore. I don't have time to keep everything going. PLUS... everything is so damned expensive these days. Remember the days when we really wanted something and we saved and waited and bought it and... it was a $15 CD. Fuck. I'd trade a left testicle (not the right one though) for those days.

Now if there's a 15 in the price of something it's usually followed by at least one 0. In my case, it's usually more than that. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage.

There's the photography thing. Ok, I'm pretty set there for now. I have both of my camera bodies, 4 lenses, a flash, and a great new bag for all the toys plus accessories like chargers, batteries, memory cards, film, filters, etc. I want a light setup but we're talking molto denaro there (read: fucktons of money).

Then there's the gun collecting nonsense. I'm at 7 firearms with a great range. .22, .40, .45, .38/.357 and the illustrious .50 Desert Eagle. There's the shotgun and the .243 plus 3-4 more long guns at my dad's that I can have later on. Of course, I plan to pick up the AR15 with the Barrett upper and lower receivers but not rush and one day I'll have the Barrett .50 but who's got $6 grand laying around for that shit. Ok, maybe I do but that's besides the point. It's alot for 2 lousy guns. So I'm all set on that for now.

Then I bought the piano last week. That's fun, doesn't require add-ons or upgrades but is that a hobby? I mean what am I gonna do? Hold piano recitals in the trailer? So that's a little sidebar thing for me to do to keep up my culture, despite Sumter's best efforts to drain them from me.

I have all my hockey equipment here and the new hockey stick and small items are on the way. AWESOME! Then I'll have all my gear but nowhere to play? I'd settle for an empty parking lot on the weekends, but good luck finding a corporate campus around here. So I'll skate a bit but can't really get into it full force. Unless someone out there local wants to play?

I wouldn't call gambling a hobby. I enjoy it but it's not quite a hobby. Plus lately, I've been not very good at it so that's gonna be short lived unless my luck turns around. March Madness baby! Cross your fingers.

So, I've got all these things in action and I love them all but I've hit a plateau on each and every one. There's room to go to the top; it's a glass ceiling. I need more money and more time to break through and redefine my abilities. And who has the time for that?

Am I alone here? Anyone else delve so deeply into a billion things and not finish any off them because there are just not enough hours in the day?

Oh yeah... I have like 4 web projects on the burners that need finishing to. That's coming next week without a doubt so everything else stops.

Maybe when I hit powerball and can quit working will I have time to do nothing but play. God, I wanna be a kid again.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Isn’t it a relief?

No, I'm not going on a rant this time. Sorry to disappoint you all. I can imagine how much you all love to hear me bitch about the goofy parts of life.

I was looking at the blog counter and saw that I have over 100 total reads on the 2 blogs that have been posted thus far. I started to think about writing them. They weren't totally premeditated. I mean, it's not like they just happened or I ranted ad nauseum. I did put thought into them, but at the same time they were both fairly reactionary (especially the 2nd one). I had a feeling, saw the laptop and kinda vomited my thoughts into a blog. They are raw and unedited and basically 2 counts of pure freewriting.

So here is the point... why blog? What is it about making a weblog that is so... "freeing" of an act? It's not like I'm on AOL and hiding behind a screen name. I have my name and pictures up there which really kills anonymity. Its not like I'm talking to a support group of people that all share common experiences. I'm airing my dirty laundry publicly for the world to see. Why does that feel good?

Is it just the act of unburdening oneself of emotional issues? The purging of ulcer causing feelings similarly to emptying too much alcohol maybe. Still feel shitty but just a little less shitty if you can empty some of the toxins. I think that may be part of it.

For me, I think it's also about having a captive audience in a way. I have a propensity toward being a purveyor of verbose and lengthy diatribes - I did that on purpose . Basically, I enjoy hearing myself speak. I may be the only one, I don't know. But by blogging I can, and will, go on and on whether you want me to or not. I get lots of reads too. Of course, it doesn't say if they're full or partial reads. I wonder how many people click and see the length and say "fuck that, this guy never shuts up" and how many are nailed to the couch reading them in their entirety. I'll never know. It's not important either.

Anyway, I don't ask for responses to my blogs. I generally put them there because myspace is about me - it's MY space. You have yours, I have mine. So I figure I should vent and let people see what I have to say if they want to know about me. This time, however, I'm curious to see what people have to say. If you have an input or a thought on the matter, feel free to post it. I'd be curious to see what everyone thinks. "Blogging" is such a big deal these days.

Maybe it's the ability given to each person to have their own little corner of the tangled world wide web that's been woven. Maybe it's a simple outlet for everyone's own creativity. Sometimes I even sit and think "Do I have anything to blog about?" Most times I don't. Plus I don't want to "over-blog" everyone to death.

Well, it was just a thought that made it's way out of the circus I call my brain so I figured what better place to ask about blogging... than a blog?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Flip-flop, flip-flop

I'm going to try to make this short, cut and dry. I'm sure it's gonna get read by a billion people, friends or otherwise and there will be comments. That's fine.

My last blog caused a stir. Got lots of comments and whatnot from it. I also received a phone call from the subject of the blog. First time in a couple of months. I'm not going to get into details because it's indecent to elaborate. Positive or negative, it was our business. Suffices to say, it was not pleasant. Left me feeling pretty fucked up in a couple of ways. Really rocked my boat. 2 hours later, my heartrate is finally close to normal.

As you all know from talking to me in general and from the last blog that I was well on my way to recovery from all the silliness that's happened recently. Of course this phone call was a setback. When we hung up, I was pissed, she was crying. I've calmed down, she's feeling fine now.

The point here is that I can't take the ups and downs. It's terrible for my body and my heart. Combining stressful situations with an existing Stage 2 Hypertension is a recipe for disaster.

I always said that no matter what happens now or in the future, I want to remember the good times. We were in love once. We had some great times. I never thought it was appropriate to disown those memories and erase the past... until now.

So without further gilding the lily, I'm just going to say it. I want no mention made of any of it to me going forward. No more "did you hear..." or "how are you dealing with..." or "any news about..." or anything else. I don't want to reminisce about the past, the good times, the bad times. I don't want to know from nothing that's remotely related to it.

If you hear news, keep it yourself. If you're curious about something tied to it, keep being curious. If you talk to her, make every effort to leave my name out of anything. I don't care if your kid has the same name as her, use your kid's fucking middle name for all I care when you talk to me.

Now... if you're out to piss me off, then by all means, bring it up. First time, you'll get a look from me. Second time, I'll tell you to shut the fuck up. Third time, I'm walking away. Should you actually see me after that and bring it up I will shake down your fucking house with my reaction.

I hate to be harsh, but I needed it to be known that I mean business and it's over and done with. It's gone. As a matter of fact, it never even happened. I also hate to be public but this way I don't have to repeat myself a thousand fucking times which kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. I'd be more than happy to answer them all to make sure it's all clear and we can avoid a future issue.

If someone on the other side of the fence (where the grass is apparently greener) disagrees... sorry for ya. You all had your chance to handle this openly and honestly like we're all actually in our late 20s. Should I pass someone in the street, I'll wave. I may even man up and shake your hand. After all, I can't profess to be an adult and then run the other direction, right? But that still means that none of this is open for discussion, negotiation or any form of communication.


Saturday, February 09, 2008

There and back again - migrated blog from Myspace

I guess I've confused some people. I disappeared from myspace not too long ago and now, clearly, I'm here again. And my profile is nearly identical to how it was before. Some people have questioned me if I ever left. It was a bit of a phantom act, so I suppose I understand the questions I've gotten.

Here's the deal...

I did, in fact, delete my account. I was in a pretty lousy place. I lost what I believed to be the best thing that ever happened to me. That would be Linda. Things went real bad, real quick. I lost friends, was subjected to lies and deceit. I fell into a dark place for a while. Couldn't stand to see pictures of her or us or my "friends." So disappearing was the option best suited for me.

I went home for Christmas and saw the fam for a week. Hung out with some friends. Started to feel like my old self again. Put a few bucks in my pocket again as well. I came back and chilled out for the last 3 days of 2007. December 31st rolled around and I washed away '07 with a few friends, a good party and a liter of vodka. And so began 2008...

Time for a renewal. Time to begin again. Time to start fresh. Time to be me again. No longer could I be the wishy washy, mopey, sullen, melancholy shadow of my former self. I had gone on the post-relationship, breakup diet and looked and felt like shit run over twice.

It clicked! The lightbulb went on. I had an epiphany. I'd spent the last year pouring my heart and soul, not to mention my bank account into this woman. Not only did she decide that being with me wasn't enough, but she really decided to go for the gold medal of dick kicking and resorted to lies. So what clicked in my warped brain, you may ask. It's something that I guess I knew all along and maybe so did some of you. I'm better than that. I'm better than feeling like a schmuck on wheels. I'm better than being a waste of space while she and my ex-friends hang out, drink, party, suck, fuck and do whatever else with each other they've been doing.

Am I arrogant? You bet your sweet ass I am. However, is my arrogance justified? Think twice before you say no. It sure as fuck is. And I'd be more than happy to tell you why...

I've got a decent brain in my head. I'm capable of doing alot. Usually, I'm just too damned lazy to do it, but... I CAN! I've got a decent amount of purchasing power. Sure, I don't make a ton of money, but you all know what I have and how I live. I don't exist on Uncle Sam's measly monthly droppings. Besides, all the money I had earmarked for a wedding (actually 2), no longer has a set place in my loosely constructed budget. Oh wait, there's more... I no longer have to put 2 children, neither of which are mine, through college. Instant savings right there. Yup, I had financial plans for her girls' college tuitions. I know what you're thinking. I must have been a REAL sonofabitch to be with right?

So, I looked in the mirror and realized all of this. I had a long talk with myself. I said, aloud actually, "Get off your ass. You're a smart motherfucker. You've got money. You're fairly attractive. You certainly have the ability to do anything you want. You know EVERYONE in town. You have friends and family that are worried about you. Over what? A person who took, took, took and then took some more for a year and then slapped you in the face. Think about all you've been through - with family, with health, with money, with career. Think about all you've survived - hospital stays, surgeries, 9/11, beatings." And that's the God's honest truth. So now it's MY time. Now, it's time for me to do what I want, how I want, when I want and not a person on Earth will tell me otherwise. As for handling what was put upon me by people I trust. That will come in due time as well. Lessons need to be learned that I'm more than what I appear to be in alot of ways, from alot of standpoints. I don't get treated like a 2nd rate citizen and ignore it. It's not revenge I'm after... it's a reckoning.

I feel energized and empowered. I'm ready to rock. I'm ready to make changes in my life. Make no mistake, I'm not that sad sap that I was a couple of months ago. So... yes I was gone, but... I'M BACK!

As my headline says - fall in line or steer clear!