Thursday, July 24, 2008

Explosion of clarity taken from the muck and mire

This is gonna be a long one... I can feel it.

I just can't seem to quit this blogging thing. Maybe I should try. It would seem that posting my thoughts ruffles some feathers at times. Then again, if you don't include private musings, then why bother blogging at all? You can always say that if folks don't like what they see, then the shouldn't read it. It's not force fed to anyone and therefore, not my responsibility if people feel their toes are stepped on. It's said that freedom is neither absolute nor limitless. Your freedom ends when it begins to infringe on the freedom of another. I suppose that means that all of our liberties are meant to reach an equilibrium among us, or at least among the connected parties of any given situation. To that end, I suppose I should feel some kind of guilt for offending individuals, yet I do not. However, I am also not pleased for causing emotional strife for anyone I know and care for to any degree. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that when I care for someone; I care for them very deeply regardless of the nature or level of our association. This holds true even when I feel I am personally wronged by someone or by their actions.

Unfortunately for me as of press time, and maybe for all of us throughout the continuum, life is a zero sum game. A gain by one party represents a loss by another. Or a gain within oneself requires a loss and subsequently we have a balance to zero. Maybe I shouldn't treat life like economics although it seems to apply in a multitude of situations. Relationships are prime examples of nature falling prey to the law of diminishing return. A theory defined as by returning to previous efforts repeatedly will garner less enjoyment each time. Eating steak every day will get old after a while. You will receive less satisfaction. Your return will, effectively, diminish each time. Maybe it's only MY relationships thus far. Here's the rub... not on my end.

So back to the zero sum qualities. It works in reverse. Negative is balanced by positive. Not always true positive. Sometimes it's just what will fill the void or distracts you long enough to stay out of the negative. Everyone knows how I feel about sinking into negativity and despair and how adamently I oppose that with all my effort. Several blogs ago I spoke of replacing "things" of minutia with real relationships and associations of importance. All the while, I relapsed into a previous frame of mind. I spent. That's what I have always done and that is what I did once more. I bought expensive and extravagant gifts for myself. I drained cents through my fingers like the sands of time through an hourglass - consistently, steadily and in a rythmically hypnotic fashion. I turned to the glitz and glamour of new stuff in hopes that I wouldn't remember why I was doing it in the first place. Even now, I send these words over the lanes of the information superhighway via keys of a brand new laptop that I so quickly decided I absolutely NEEDED.

I have re-run the past 3 months in my mind almost all minutes of all days since the latest string of unimaginable events became very real to me. The first few false starts, rocky moments gaining traction, the incredible acceleration, to what turned out to be terminal velocity, and the brick wall thrown up in front. I can tell you I saw it coming, but that's about as likely as someone figuring out the ending to "The 6th Sense" the first time. I can tell you I'm glad it went this way, but I'm not prone to false testimony. I can even tell you I understand it, but I don't, try as I may. My quote reads, "Through acceptance, comes understanding. Through understanding, comes acceptance. Through understanding and acceptance, comes resolution." I don't understand it so I guess I don't accept it. I'm not sure which of those two is the cause and which is the effect - at least not yet. I certainly don't feel resolved. I feel as if the words "The End" were projected on a movie screen just halfway through and I got sent home from the theater; without rhyme or reason and without a refund.

I've made efforts to say "to hell with it all. Who needs that shit anyway?" but at this point in our lives, we're all familiar with the term "defense mechanism." I did that because I know the part I played and I know what was brought upon me - a shower of positivity and wonderful moment succeeded by wonderful moment and then a drought; followed only by hurtful communications. I understand that all good things come to an end and I understand the plethora of reasons it happens. What I don't understand is how I've become the evildoer in all of it. I had supposed that I was simply not the proper man for the job; which I can accept. Now I believe that I'm seen as someone who is simply awful all around and I'm baffled as to how that switch came about. Moving from love to hate in such a short time, is a trip I'll never understand how anyone can make.

When I heard/read that, my blood pressure went through the roof, as it's been known to do. I got dizzy, my vision closed in, my head pounded and for the first time, I felt actual pain in my chest. I've felt that pain before but not related to emotion or reaction. It wasn't the loss but the series of events in the way the loss was garnered that was... killing me.

I did some thinking. I remembered the theories taught to us by The Secret. I remembered that the universe provides - always! It came to me. I have not lost anything. I have gained. It might seem impossible to understand how or what I have gained. As some people do, I also, after long and/or serious relationships sternly instruct my heart to stop feeling. I lead myself to believe that it is the end and I will never again feel the warmth of someone else's love. Usually, I simultaneously also admit that I don't actually believe it. Last November that was different. I believed it that time. I swore to myself and the public at large that I had reached the end of my romantic days. Out of the blue, my most recent situation arrived and before I had realized it myself, my heart had awoken from its coma-like slumber and was operating at full capacity.

Despite the chain of events that led me here to this message, I have not fallen back into the previous, post-relationship state I have become accustomed to. So maybe the last partnership was not supposed to work. Maybe it's role was always impermanence. It is quite possible that the entire thing was manifested by the universe to serve the sole purpose of reminding me that I am fully capable of loving again, even in the face of adversity.

Under those circumstances, I can truly say that no matter what kind of tension or anger I may appear to have on the surface, deep down inside there will always remain love. I will always place a level of importance on the entire thing and anyone associated with it because as a whole, it was a positive experience. It has provided me with memories I would not trade for anything and the knowledge that the end of one situation does not imply the end of all similar situations. Feelings toward a particular event are not representative of all my feelings.

So while I mourn this loss to a degree, I also am thankful for the condition in which I remain at the outset. I could not have achieved this new level of appreciation for loss by myself. My heart's desire is that one day, the anger I have felt directed at me will subside and it will be understood that I haven't in the past, don't now and won't in the future, harbor any negative feelings or ill will. One of the statements in the previous blog that I referenced here earlier was that I learn from everyone in my life in some way and that each person has shaped me into who I am today.

I'm not an awful person, I know that. I just don't want to be seen that way by anyone either. It may not matter what everyone thinks of me because you can't please everyone. I don't see it that way. We are all connected, we are all one. We are all made of the same energy. This is the core, defining principle of The Secret. So, I believe, it IS important what people think of you. You may be a step in the path for someone else to manifest something. If they falsely identify you as unworthy, then you will fall out of their chain and their manifestations can, and probably will, suffer. I'm not perfect. As a human, I'm flawed. I do try my best as often as I can though.

So I end this seemingly unending diatribe with a simple message. I have found the good in the bad. I have let go of the anger (mostly, it's a process). I have admitted a level of undying love that belongs to the good parts. I have realized the emotional injuries I have sustained are temporary and non-fatal. Most importantly, I have graduated to the next level of Secret based consciousness. I implore everyone to take something from this as applicable. Maybe this will be seen one day by whoever is meant to see it, according to the plan of the universe.

If you've suffered through to the end, thank you for your time. The situation was important, the person was important, the lesson was ultimately important.

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