Saturday, February 09, 2008

There and back again - migrated blog from Myspace

I guess I've confused some people. I disappeared from myspace not too long ago and now, clearly, I'm here again. And my profile is nearly identical to how it was before. Some people have questioned me if I ever left. It was a bit of a phantom act, so I suppose I understand the questions I've gotten.

Here's the deal...

I did, in fact, delete my account. I was in a pretty lousy place. I lost what I believed to be the best thing that ever happened to me. That would be Linda. Things went real bad, real quick. I lost friends, was subjected to lies and deceit. I fell into a dark place for a while. Couldn't stand to see pictures of her or us or my "friends." So disappearing was the option best suited for me.

I went home for Christmas and saw the fam for a week. Hung out with some friends. Started to feel like my old self again. Put a few bucks in my pocket again as well. I came back and chilled out for the last 3 days of 2007. December 31st rolled around and I washed away '07 with a few friends, a good party and a liter of vodka. And so began 2008...

Time for a renewal. Time to begin again. Time to start fresh. Time to be me again. No longer could I be the wishy washy, mopey, sullen, melancholy shadow of my former self. I had gone on the post-relationship, breakup diet and looked and felt like shit run over twice.

It clicked! The lightbulb went on. I had an epiphany. I'd spent the last year pouring my heart and soul, not to mention my bank account into this woman. Not only did she decide that being with me wasn't enough, but she really decided to go for the gold medal of dick kicking and resorted to lies. So what clicked in my warped brain, you may ask. It's something that I guess I knew all along and maybe so did some of you. I'm better than that. I'm better than feeling like a schmuck on wheels. I'm better than being a waste of space while she and my ex-friends hang out, drink, party, suck, fuck and do whatever else with each other they've been doing.

Am I arrogant? You bet your sweet ass I am. However, is my arrogance justified? Think twice before you say no. It sure as fuck is. And I'd be more than happy to tell you why...

I've got a decent brain in my head. I'm capable of doing alot. Usually, I'm just too damned lazy to do it, but... I CAN! I've got a decent amount of purchasing power. Sure, I don't make a ton of money, but you all know what I have and how I live. I don't exist on Uncle Sam's measly monthly droppings. Besides, all the money I had earmarked for a wedding (actually 2), no longer has a set place in my loosely constructed budget. Oh wait, there's more... I no longer have to put 2 children, neither of which are mine, through college. Instant savings right there. Yup, I had financial plans for her girls' college tuitions. I know what you're thinking. I must have been a REAL sonofabitch to be with right?

So, I looked in the mirror and realized all of this. I had a long talk with myself. I said, aloud actually, "Get off your ass. You're a smart motherfucker. You've got money. You're fairly attractive. You certainly have the ability to do anything you want. You know EVERYONE in town. You have friends and family that are worried about you. Over what? A person who took, took, took and then took some more for a year and then slapped you in the face. Think about all you've been through - with family, with health, with money, with career. Think about all you've survived - hospital stays, surgeries, 9/11, beatings." And that's the God's honest truth. So now it's MY time. Now, it's time for me to do what I want, how I want, when I want and not a person on Earth will tell me otherwise. As for handling what was put upon me by people I trust. That will come in due time as well. Lessons need to be learned that I'm more than what I appear to be in alot of ways, from alot of standpoints. I don't get treated like a 2nd rate citizen and ignore it. It's not revenge I'm after... it's a reckoning.

I feel energized and empowered. I'm ready to rock. I'm ready to make changes in my life. Make no mistake, I'm not that sad sap that I was a couple of months ago. So... yes I was gone, but... I'M BACK!

As my headline says - fall in line or steer clear!

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